Thanks @Banjomansmate and @Duggies-girl for your concerns and rightly so. I have access to mums bank accounts so am keeping an eye on them. So far nothing out of the ordinary except for a few petrol enteries, which at present I’m accepting as he may have taken her somewhere. That said he knows I have access because the first time one appeared I question him over it.

I just wished he’d have a back bone and realise that he’s off the repeat pattern all his life and it’s not fair to mum. Maybe I will list mums outgoings and incomings (nit give him insights in to. Savings) to show him that it doesn’t last forgever. If she ever needs care then the house he is living in (mums) could be sold! He won’t be the one digging in his pockets then will he!

Sorry to whinge.


I've seen this happen with two different generations now. First with my Grandmother and now with my mother. I've also heard tales from a physician (Neurologist) friend regarding other families in similar situations. There is often a sibling who, probably for their entire life, is the "caretaker". There is often a sibling (or more) who seems more involved with themselves.

You can only control so much. In my case, my brother is a recovering addict and is sporadically good at helping out with my mother. He is also sporadically completely unavailable and off pursuing his own happiness or unhappiness as the case may be. It can feel very isolating and frustrating when you're feeling overwhelmed by a parent with dementia and getting little to no help from a sibling, or worse, having to guard the parent's finances from a sibling. It can breed resentment.

My advice - Learn to let go of what you can't change but discover what you can and can't change, first.

Make sure you discuss your emotions in a non-accusatory fashion. Explain that you are feeling overwhelmed and need help. Provide accurate financial information to the sibling along with projected future costs over the projected lifespan of your demented parent. (The costs in the U.S. are staggering.)
Let them know you feel anxious/overwhelmed/worried, whatever it is. If you have **specific** needs you need help with, be specific (especially with males - women and men don't always think or communicate the same way). Don't expect him to be thinking the way you think. Do your research and be clear.

Don't expect a self-involved (likely younger) sibling to have a major personality shift. "Count your blessings" - meaning, once you have provided an emotional context for the sibling and given them a financial context, *and* provided them with your **specific** needs, see what happens. They may surprise you.

Knowing your specific financial concerns and specific caretaker needs can also help you identify if you're processing the situation accurately yourself. It can be hard when you feel like the sibling doing all the heavy lifting.

Then accept the good and let go of everything else. Meaning, if they are providing some help, that's great. Any help you can get is help that may save your own mental health. If the sum total of their help is less than the sum total of their withdrawals, it comes down to your parent's current state. If the parent is cognizant enough to make their own decisions, then moocher or not, your parent can decide. If the parent isn't cognizant enough to make their own decisions, then again, what would the cost be to you if you didn't have any help at all?

This journey will likely be much harsher and much longer than any of us can imagine. You say you will eventually care for your mom in your home, but believe me, you won't be able to do that alone for long as your loved one experiences behavioral changes (and gets angry at you a lot) and/or accidentally sets fires in your house by putting paper in the toaster oven, etc. You will need as much support and help as you can get, even if that help is sporadic. So think twice before going to battle with the seemingly less than ideal sibling.

Monitor the finances and so long as it doesn't look like your parent is being taken advantage of, you're really ok. (If a serious financial drain is happening and you feel the parent is being taken advantage of, you may wish to seek the advice of an attorney - and blow your family up. You may also be able to seek legal help (in the US) from Adult Protective Services, I'm not sure.) That's a harsh and lonely road. Make sure it is warranted.

In your case, your sibling is a mixed bag. Some help, some drag. The helping part *does* have a financial benefit. The living in the parent's home also has a financial drag. Do the math. Find out what it would cost you for that amount of help at your parent's home. I suspect, despite the food costs and increased utilities that the sibling may still be providing more financial benefit than detriment. Maybe maybe not. Sit down with the numbers and be sure.

If the sibling is helping full time right now, that's an emotional bonus as well as a financial one. If the parent truly doesn't need that level of help and the sibling is "mooching" then you have to reassess. On the one hand you feel the parent needs help. On the other hand, you say not full time help. How much would that help cost you? Is your brother taking more than that cost? Why do they only need help part time? What kind of help do they need?

It doesn't actually matter than your sibling will up and disappear as soon as another relationship appears for them. If you hired someone, they might quit. That is beyond your control.

What really matters is the gaps. Gaps where you need help and aren't getting it. Gaps if the finances are getting out of hand. If the gaps are actually ok, then let go of the expectation that your sibling will suddenly meet your standards for being a good adult. Let go caring whether he will disappear at some point in the future.

Look for which gaps need filling as they need filling, don't borrow gaps from the future. Right now, you have some help. (Again, if that isn't too much of a financial drain, that help, fleeting or not, is good.)

My brother - the addict - will never be who I wish him to be. So I have to appreciate who he is, not who I wish him to be with the caveat being so long as who he is isn't doing more harm to my parent than good.

If you need more help than he is providing and you have done the math and the research, get help elsewhere. (Doesn't sound like the current situation.) If your parent can't reason clearly and is being taken advantage of, seek legal help. If, however, the math shows he's more financial help than he is a financial detriment, let it go not only for your own current well being, but for that future you who will need way more help in the future. That sibling may surprise you when things take a turn for the much much worse.

As your parent's death grows closer, you may also suddenly find that your sibling matters to you more than they did in the past, and you're going to want that relationship to still be there. As our parents die, it feels very isolating. Even if we're happily married, that sibling has known you longer and maybe better than anyone else. You may find sentimental feelings spawning for your unreliable sibling later on down the road. You may also find, that when armed with enough information, they will step up better and help you in ways that match your desires.